Psycho Cindy & The Capital Police

It has been reported that Psycho Cindy (aka Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney D - Georgia) "regrets the incident" where she assaulted a capital police officer. There are rumors that charges may be filed against her when the Congressional session is over.

Her "staff" has been having meetings, trying to determine how to counter the aftereffects of these actions. Our staff on crack crack staff managed to obtain a draft memo from her office regarding a meeting they were planning to have to discuss how she can show her support for the capitol police in the meantime:

  1. Bake marijuana brownies and distribute them to the capitol police.
  2. Pass out free coupons to all the capitol police for new hairstyles.
  3. Buy all capitol police new bulletproof vests that also include a soft, padded spot in the front.
  4. Suggest firing all while capital police officers and only hire blacks to somehow eliminate all racism in the capital building.
  5. Fire the entire capitol hill police department, since they're all racist, anyway.
  6. Demand that Congress meet at her house so she doesn't have to deal with the racists at capitol hill.
  7. Punch all the other members of the capitol hill police, so no one will feel singled out.

There's no word yet, which of these options will make it out of the committee meeting...

(An Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment).

Democrat Code of Conduct, Part 2

Earlier today, we tried to present a preview of the Democrat ethics strategy for the 2006 elections. The crackstaff is still not awake, so we're left to just throw out baseless accusations and conjecture. But hey, that's fun, so let's give it a shot!

Whenever someone comes out with something new, there's two questions to be asked immediately: "Why is this being done?" and "Why hasn't it been done before?" In this case, the answers are really easy.

Why are the Democrats doing this? To win an election -- plain and simple, nothing more. And yet, the idea of having ethics just to win an election doesn't seem to bother anyone...

Why hasn't it been done before? Well, it's never been tried before. This is a new concept in this century. It's an idea that really hasn't been tried since, oh about 1800 or so -- the idea that a politician might actually HAVE ethics.

Since this is about politicians, and we don't want to shock their fragile systems and egos, we shouldn't really hit them hard. Instead, we should start with small, baby steps, until they get used to the idea. Keeping all that in mind, here's a few suggestions for the Democrats who suddenly want ethics:

1. If someone dies while in your personal automobile and you were driving, do not run and hide in a motel room.

I know this one should be really obvious, but remember what we're dealing with. I think this one really is non-negotiable and really needs to be on the Democrat Party's list.

2. Tell the truth.

Again, this one is really obvious to anyone over the age of 3 that isn't either a lawyer or a politician, but it really is the basics of ethics. If you skip this one, there's really nowhere else to go with this whole idea. I know for many politicians, this will be nearly impossible.

So many have been telling so many lies for so long, it may feel funny inside to actually tell the truth. My advice to them? Keep with it -- the funny feeling will go away. Try it, you might like it.

3. Forget the phrase "neither confirm nor deny."

As soon as those words come out of your mouth, everyone knows you're guilty. Really. Nothing else you say after that really means anything, because you're done for. When you think of uttering this phrase, think of rule #2.

4. Remember: Bush is not the anti Christ.

Democrats, think about this -- a large number of people actually voted for Bush, no matter what you think. A VERY large number. He's the head of this country. Just opposing him because he takes a position makes you look even more foolish than you already are. Give it a break, it just doesn't work.

5. Be yourself.

Closely related to #2 above. If you have a position on something, just tell people what that position is -- no matter what it is. Millions of people will respect you, even if that position is that you think everyone with pinky fingers longer than 2.5 inches should have to pay higher taxes -- at least you'll HAVE a position!

Well, that's 5 rules, and that's enough for people who simply have no ethics now. Try not to hurt yourselves putting them into place.

(An Alliance precision-guided humor assignment).

Democrat Code of Conduct

Well, The Alliance happened to notice that the Democrats, as a plan to supposedly help them get elected, have decided to create a code of conduct. And the Alliance, being what it is, was wondering what this might be.

So, being the good Alliance slave participant, we once again sent out our crack staff to see if we could uncover any memos about the Democrat plans...quite surprisingly, our staff returned three sheets to the wind, but with some documents that reveal the secret plans:

Official Donkey Democrat Code of Ethics Rules:
Rule 1: No Poofters!
Rule 2: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.
Rule 3:

No, no, no, that's not it. Wrong paper, sorry about that. When alGore invented the internet, it seems he didn't make it work just right. There's another list that I was posting here, now where is it...oh, here it is. Here is the information typed in a memo, to be distributed to all federal Democrat Party Candidates:

Members of our esteemed party, we need to remember a few things as this election season approaches. We are facing a difficult battle against the evil that is Republicans, so remember this:

Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four* *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise....


Once again, sorry about that. Our "crack" staff seems to be on crack today. After sorting through the empty pizza boxes and beer cans, it does seem they really did find something useful, but with the grease stains from the pizza and the beer spillage (I think that's beer), we simply cannot read the memo.

We're going to wait until the crack-staff wakes up and we'll send them back out tomorrow to check for more information...

Media Patriotism?

This week, The Alliance is asking yet another question. The Alliance is wondering:

Is the Mainstream Media patriotic? Why or why not?

First, a minor correction. This conglomerate called "The Mainstream Media" -- says who? Who made them "mainstream?" I mean, really, who came up with the term "mainstream media?"

What is every other form of media, if it's not "mainstream?" Is everyone else "alternative?" Who gets to decide who is "mainstream" and who is "alternative?"

And wait, isn't "alternative" supposed to be good and celebrated? If you're not supporting "alternative," aren't you being racist, sexist, homophobic, or some other derogatory term? So, logically, the mainstream media, by it's own definition is not "alternative" -- and is therefore racist, sexist, and homophobic.

Certainly being patriotic is a good thing, right? So one who is patriotic must be a good person or a good being. And those who are racist, sexist, and homophobic are not good, once again, according to the aforementioned "mainstream" media.

Now, since we now have determined that the "mainstream" media is, according to the "mainstream" media, racist, sexist, and homophobic, it seems only natural that they cannot be patriotic, too, doesn't it? Because certainly one who is patriotic is not racist, sexist, and homophobic, right?

Merry Ramadan!

The Alliance is putting together a party to help celebrate Ramadan, and they're looking for ideas to celebrate the terrorist high holy day.


That's how you celebrate terrorist holy months, isn't it?

I'm sorry.

That was insensitive of me. How about a snack?


What? Oh. Is this better?



Katrina aid from the UN

We've found another transcript to provide to you good readers. This one is a transcript of an actual conversation held at the United Nations building (in New York City):

Kofi Anonymous: We hear that the evil imperialists and cursed people of America have been troubled by a small storm and need help. What shall we, the rulers of the world, offer them for support, if anything?

Germany: Oil! We have plenty of oil that we bought over the years from Saddam when...oh, we don't have any oil. None at all.

France: We shall offer our unconditional surrender to the hated United States.

Koki Anon: No, that will never do. They might accept it.

Third World Country #1: We could offer them lots of money.

Iran: I offer them food, aid, comfort, and oil -- but only if they give me nuclear weapons!

France: We should all surrender immediately!

Koofi A.: Everyone wants to give them money! And just where do you think we will get this money? I only have the oil that Saddam gave me.

Third World Country #2: We can give them some diseases. We've got some spares. If they don't want that, we think they should give them money, too.

Kooki: Okay, we seem to be in favor of everyone giving them money...

France: And surrendering.

Kloopi: Yes, and surrendering. Who votes to raise dues for the UN to help pay for the hurricane damages?

* chirp chirp *

Poopi: I see. Any other ideas?

France: We should...

Anonymous K.: OTHER than surrendering?

Germany: What if we raise the dues JUST for America, and then use that money to give them for aid?

* murmur, murmur *

K-to-the-A.Non: Good idea! All in favor of giving America 2 million euros in aid, then raising the UN dues for America by 2 million euros?

* AYE! *

Mr. PoopiA: Passed!

France: Can we still surrender, anyway?

Kofi (to France): Shut up.


Blame Bush

Don't we already have enough lunatics presenting theories based on total conjecture already? According to The Alliance, no, we do not. They want even MORE utterly insane, fake reasons why the hurricane is Bush's fault.

Insane Fake Reason #1: Because he didn't meet with stupid Cindy I'm an idiot Sheehan. You see, if President George W. Bush had met with her, there would have been much less dope-smoking and hot air coming out of Crawford, Texas. There was so much hot air there that it actually altered the weather patterns in the southern United States, drawing the hurricane like white on rice.

Insane Fake Reason #2: Because he didn't sign the Kyoto treaty. What do you mean, "That one's already taken?" Who could think up something that insane? Oh, right.

Insane Fake Reason #3: Because Bush won the election of 2000. When the Florida result was questions, tens of thousands of lawyers descended upon the state of Florida. News reporters and "spokesmen" entered the state by the hundreds, creating a huge surplus of CO2.

The extra CO2 created, despite the efforts of Jacksonville to plant trees, increased global warming, immediately setting in motion hurricane Katrina, which then sat off the coast of South America until the time was right, when it then viciously attacked New Orleans.

Insane Fake Reason #4: Because he didn't spend enough money. What? That one is already taken, too? Wow. My imagination's got nothing on the leftists, does it?

Insane Fake Reason #5: Because Bush is a racist. You see, Karl Rove invented a time machine. Bush used it to go back in time and visited Africa during the time of the dinosaurs. Once there, he stepped on a small butterfly, forever altering the wind patterns.

Once the wind patterns were altered, Bush came back to the present to await the results of the ancient wind pattern disturbance. That ancient wind pattern translated into what was to become hurricane Katrina. Bush went back in time once more to South America to set other wind patterns in motion that would ensure that the hurricane would strike where he knew there were a large number of black people. He then returned to the present to await destruction.

Top that one, Ted Kennedy!

Jeanine Pirro for Senate

There are apparently some challengers for Hillary (D-anystate) Clinton for election to the US Senate for New York. Everyone knows how many Democrats live in New York (except Hillary, she's from Arkansas), so I'm not sure any Republican has a chance. However, Jeanine Pirro has tossed her hat in the ring.

Now she doesn't have a blog, so that's one strike against her ;) However, The Alliance noticed that she didn't have a slogan for her campaign on her website and was wondering if we could help her out. Well of course!

So here's the top 10 suggestions from Ogre's Politics and Views for campaign slogans for Jeanine Pirro 2006 for US Senate:

#10: Vote Pirro -- She's not Hillary!
#9: Let's have a Senator for New York that's from New York.
#8: Pirro -- because she won't hang condoms on a Christmas Tree and call it wonderful.
#7: Pirro -- the New York Senator who will serve 6 years, not 2.
#6: Pirro: the only candidate in the race who's husband hasn't been disbarred.
#5: Vote Pirro -- She's not running for President!
#4: Pirro: A true moderate for all moderate New Yorkers.
#3: Vote Pirro -- the candidate that can tell when her husband is telling lies to her and the whole damn country.
#2: Pirro: because her husband won't be trying to hog the news cameras during every news conference.

And finally, the #1 campaign slogan for Jeanine Pirro:
#1: Vote Pirro: Do you really want to vote for Hillary again?

Media Scandals!

The Alliance mentioned that perhaps there were some media scandals that were not being reporting (other than that whole liberal Air America thief thing). We did the usual and sent out Ogre's Investigative Team™.

We found some rather disturbing things that were simply NOT being reported in the formerly mainstream media (FMSM):

1. Wolf Blitzer doesn't wear any pants when he is reporting. Our investigators didn't find out what was going on behind that desk where he wasn't wearing any pants, and they refused to investigate more...

2. The ACLU exists primarily on money from taxpayers, sucking them dry with extortion methods and "settlements" from lawsuits. Oh wait, this was supposed to be made-up stories that aren't being reported on. Sorry that real one slipped in there.

3. Eleanor Roosevelt's ghost has been making appearances in the newsrooms of CBS News, giving news stories and tips to Vicki Mabrey.

4. NARAL and Democrats have started complaining about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts' children. They have attempted to link Mr. Roberts with recent terrorist attacks in Iraq. Oh wait -- I forgot again about this list being made-up stories. Real media scandals keep slipping in.

5. Various polls now indicate that the absolute vast majority of Americans now get their news from blogs, and they trust information found in blogs more than they trust the formerly mainstream media (FMSM). Each time the polls appears, they are buried by the network anchors, but the viewing public doesn't seem to notice.

6. Famous blogger Harvey is actually ABC's Elizabeth Vargas, blogging in drag and concealing his her identity. IP address trails from Bad Example have been traced to the offices of ABC news, confirming this rumor.

There were more scandals, but the investigative staff got too drunk to report them all at this time...

The UNternet

So earlier tonight I tried to get on the internet. I turned on my computer and tried to connect. My web browser, instead of being my normal home page (this blog), was a large black space with a green flashing line in the upper left corner. I wondered what in the world it could be. Then there was a clicking noise and I saw the following appear on the screen:


I typed the only logical answer, "YES." The screen then typed out:


I thought about it moment and then typed, "NO, THANK YOU."

The computer responded:


Since the computer seemed to be responding to me, I tried something a little more advanced and typed:


It was then I noticed all the keys appeared in capital letters. I checked the caps lock and noticed it was NOT on. The computer continued:


The flashing green cursor flashed at me. I tried again:


I was starting to get annoyed. I went another route:







Naturally, I did what any internet user would do -- I called my ISP. The phone call went something like this:

ISP: Hello, Stupid Phone Services, How are you being doing today? How may I be directing your call?
ME: I'm having some trouble connecting to the internet...
ISP: (interrupting) You mean the unternet?
ME: No, the internet.
ISP: I'm sorry, we are no longer permitted to allow connections to the internet, via governmental order. All our internet requests are now directed to the UNternet.
ME: Unternet? What's that?
ISP: Well, it's sort of like the internet...except they don't allow Americans to be using it.
ME: What?!?
ISP: I am being saying, it is being the internet, but no Americans are allowed.
ME: So where's the internet?
ISP: I do not know, I am in India.
ME: -----
ISP: Is there anything else that I can be doing for you today?
ME: How do I get access to the Unternet, then?
ISP: You must move from America.
ME: Thank you, come again.

* click *

Then I simply started up my OWN damn Linux machine and connected to the shadow internet that's in place for just such emergencies. So, how was your day?

(This has been an Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

John Roberts vs. The Left

Once again, The Alliance has a question. This week they're wondering

How will the left attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?

With all due respect to Harvey and GEBIV, I think they've asked the wrong question. If I were to actually list every way that the left will attack Mr. Roberts, I'd write enough to fill the entire internet. Instead, a question that can be answered much more succinctly and more accurately, without a calumny, is:
How will the left NOT attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?

To answer that question is rather simple:

The left will NOT use the United States Constitution to attack Mr. Roberts (mainly because they've never read it).

The left will NOT use logic to attack Mr. Roberts (mainly because they don't understand the concept).

The left will also NOT use anything remotely related to reality to attack Mr. Roberts (mainly because they seem to completely avoid it at all times).

The British Empire Strikes Back

The Alliance (remember The Alliance), this week asks:

How will the British retaliate for the London bombings?

Well now, I'm quite sure that actual, real residents of that place can answer this one better than I, but I'll take a shot anyway.

I like visuals:

Oh wait. I think I mis-read the question. I thought it said, "What would YOU do to retaliate."

Maybe they could call the UN. After all, we all know how well that works.
United Nations.gif

Exit Strategy

It seems the tables have turned to the other hand these days in politics. When Clinton got involved in various quagmires like Somalia, et al., it was the Republicans claiming he had no exit strategy (and he didn't -- he honestly planned to leave troops as long as the UN wanted them). However, as the shoe is on the other hand now, it's the Democrats who are whining about the "exit strategy" in the newly-freed-from-a-dictator Iraq.

Since there are also now allegedly "right-wing" media touring the area, we decided to have some of our "friends" in the military apply a few selected bugs to a few members of the "embedded" media to record some of the goings on. Here's a few transcripts, accurately recorded word-for-word, as transcribed by the fully trained team of typewriter monkeys:

File Transcript #069B...
"ooOoooH, Yes! Oh Akbar"

Whoops. Sorry. Wrong transcript. Let me get the other ones.

File Transcript #2144L
"Ok, ali-shek kanid, you paying attention? You stand behind me while I shoot the law rocket at the infidels...right behind me. Then my exit strategy is to run really fast back the way we came."

File Transcript #007C
"You, camera-boy infidel -- you stand over there and take picture. I stand over here and shoot gun at other infidels and you take picture of me. My gun, blessed be the 72 virgins, can shoot that infidel tank if I have faith. My exit strategy is to join the 72 virgins before tea time this afternoon."

File Transcript #L0053r
"Heysha. You fellahs over there. Hey! I'm a Knnnnnnidy, you know? Lemme tell ya bout exshet shrashetys. First thing, yoush gotta do is get ouddada car BEFORE it falls off the bridghe..."

Whoops. Sorry, I keep getting these transcripts mixed up...

File Transcript #871T
"You know, our Great Master Saddam had an exit strategy, too. It was go out through the opening in the top of his hole. That's pretty much all he had for his exit strategy, but clearly it worked! He got to go out his hole, didn't he?"

File Transcript #6962
"I hear tell that 'ol Great Satan, Jr., America's cursed black African President had an exit strategy, too -- but he couldn't find any tissues in the whole oval office for that darn dress..."

File Transcript #332Q
"Hey, you guys see what this paper says? Lemme read it to you: 'Exit Strategy #1: When America starts building up armies around, please ship this crate immediately to S.Hussein, 32 West Front Street, Damascus, Syria.' "

Well, there you have it. Actual transcripts of exit strategies currently in use, or already used...

Homeless Terrorists

Senator Dick Durbin noted the mild inconveniences that terrorists have been suffering at the Guantanamo Bay (Gitmo) detention facility and compared these "torturing" to Nazi concentration camps, Soviet Gulags, and the Killing Fields of Cambodia.

We should send some of our government school children there, as the conditions and treatments there are better than some of our government schools...but that's a story for another day.

Presuming Dicky Bourbon Durbin gets his way and the terrorists are let go, where do you think they should go? Here's the top 10 places suggested, as compiled by our research team on crack crack research team:

10. Dicky's House. He needs some more undocumented people to do some yard work, anyone. (Ok, that one was too easy).

9. Chicago. There's so many people there and so much crime, it's not likely anyone would even know the difference.

8. Up Durbin's ** Bleep **. Oops. How'd that one get by the censors?

7. Paris. The French are already on their side, and I'm sure they'd take them.

6. Out the door. Just let them out the door and have them wander over to the other side of that little island to see how they fare...

5. Iraq. Well, that's where they want to go already, right? And if Dicky just personally asks them, I'm sure they won't actually kill any more Americans, right? It's not like they're terror... oh wait, never mind.

4. California. There's already millions of illegal aliens there, and if we don't let them go there, there will be no one to pick vegetables from the farms, right? At least that's what the FMSM (Formerly Mainstream Media) tells me...

3. North Carolina. They might be dangerous, but at least they'll be able to get driver's licenses (NC has one of the lowest requirements for DLs and actively campaigns to give DLs to illegal immigrants).

2. The Mariana Trench. With concrete shoes.

And finally, the #1 place to send the terrorist, illegal ENEMY combatants, as suggested by Dicky Durbin:

The University of Colorado, where they can get taxpayer-funded educations and learn from the self-proclaimed experts how to hate America.

Democrat Party Notes

Our crack research team was stumbling down a back alley the other night, I mean, doing some discovery reconnaissance, when they came upon a dumpster that was fresh from the DNC headquarters. The team dove in and started looking. After getting past the perfectly good internal combustion engines that had been discarded and the well-used nap pillows, they discovered some documents. Most of them were documents outlining how to take over the America by dividing and conquering, but underneath some old sandals, they found a notebook full of speech drafts for Howard Howie Dean. Posted below are exact quotes from that notebook:

"Republicans are the spawn of Satan."

"The Republican National Headquarters is like a bag of unpopped popcorn -- nothing missing but hot air."

"What ever happened to the Klan, anyway? Can't we get some more of those good old boys elected to the Senate?"

"And after the Democrats invented the internets, we're going to go up to Canada and win up there, too!"

"Of course Bush is going to North Dakota -- he named them as part of the Axis of evil before he invaded Iraq."

"Look, I'm no theologian, but I know that oil comes from Caribou in Alaska that are dying because of Big Republican Oil."

"I'd like to announce my new executive assistant to my assistant adviser, Evil Glennn."

"No, I don't want Americans to have health care because only Democrats can provide it for them if they need it."

"Why is Bush going to down to Florida? He's only going to Florida because he's trying to steal the next election!"

I wonder why they threw that notebook away?