Site Meter Ogre's Politics & Views: The UNternet

So earlier tonight I tried to get on the internet. I turned on my computer and tried to connect. My web browser, instead of being my normal home page (this blog), was a large black space with a green flashing line in the upper left corner. I wondered what in the world it could be. Then there was a clicking noise and I saw the following appear on the screen:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?

I typed the only logical answer, "YES." The screen then typed out:

HOW ABOUT GLOBALTHERMONUCLEAR WAR?

I thought about it moment and then typed, "NO, THANK YOU."

The computer responded:

HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHECKERS?

Since the computer seemed to be responding to me, I tried something a little more advanced and typed:

NO. TAKE ME TO HTTP://WWW.OGRESVIEW.MU.NU

It was then I noticed all the keys appeared in capital letters. I checked the caps lock and noticed it was NOT on. The computer continued:

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.

The flashing green cursor flashed at me. I tried again:

OPEN A WEB BROWSER
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.
IEXPLORE.EXE
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.

I was starting to get annoyed. I went another route:

HELP.

WHAT DO YOU WANT HELP WITH?
THE INTERNET.

PLEASE TYPE YOUR COUNTRY NAME.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

I'M SORRY, THE COUNTRY YOU ENTERED, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IS NOT RECOGNIZED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
AMERICA.

SORRY, CURRENTLY AMERICA DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET TO MAKE UP FOR THEIR WARMONGERING AND WHILE THEY ARE PENALIZED FOR USING THE INTERNET TOO MUCH. INSTEAD, KENYA HAS BEEN GIVEN 1 CREDIT FOR YOUR ATTEMPT TO USE THE INTERNET. ONLY AFTER KENYA HAS RECEIVED 1,000,000,000 CREDITS WILL SERVICE BE RESTORED TO AMERICA.

LOGOFF.

Naturally, I did what any internet user would do -- I called my ISP. The phone call went something like this:

ISP: Hello, Stupid Phone Services, How are you being doing today? How may I be directing your call?
ME: I'm having some trouble connecting to the internet...
ISP: (interrupting) You mean the unternet?
ME: No, the internet.
ISP: I'm sorry, we are no longer permitted to allow connections to the internet, via governmental order. All our internet requests are now directed to the UNternet.
ME: Unternet? What's that?
ISP: Well, it's sort of like the internet...except they don't allow Americans to be using it.
ME: What?!?
ISP: I am being saying, it is being the internet, but no Americans are allowed.
ME: So where's the internet?
ISP: I do not know, I am in India.
ME: -----
ISP: Is there anything else that I can be doing for you today?
ME: How do I get access to the Unternet, then?
ISP: You must move from America.
ME: Thank you, come again.

* click *

Then I simply started up my OWN damn Linux machine and connected to the shadow internet that's in place for just such emergencies. So, how was your day?

(This has been an Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

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